How to Be Happier: Real Strategies for a Life That Matters
And so just reframing your world to be more positive can can help you to be more positive. Doesn't mean that you ignore the negative. As counselors, Mark and I confront the negative. We say when people are like, oh, it's fine. Nothing's no.
Zack Carter:No. It's not fine. Your life sucks right now. Like, me and Marco tell a client, no. No.
Zack Carter:You deserve to feel sad. You deserve to feel stressed. Let's acknowledge that. But at the same time, if that's all you focus on, that's all you're gonna see in your world.
Mark Odland:Welcome to the Lion Counseling Podcast. I'm Mark Godland, founder of Lion Counseling and certified EMDR therapist.
Zack Carter:I'm Zach and I am counselor and a coach.
Mark Odland:Our mission at Lion is to help men break free, to heal deep and to become the Lions they were created to be. If you're looking for support, check us out at escapethecagenow.com or check out the link in the description box. And make sure to hang on till the end because we've got some practical takeaways for you to, put into action right away. Well, let's get into it, Zach. Happiness.
Mark Odland:How would you define happiness? How should we define happiness?
Zack Carter:Yeah. That's a that's a that's a great question. And so there's a dude named Martin Seligman, and this guy was responsible for helping to pioneer positive psychology. And I really like his breakdown of the three components of happiness. And essentially it's a combination of pleasure, so experiencing positive emotions, sensory satisfaction, engagement, which is connection and absorption in the activities that we're participating in.
Zack Carter:And then number three is meaning, which is a sense of purpose and belonging, right? So we've got pleasure, we're feeling good, engagement, doing something absorbs us that gets us into a flow state where just time seems like it's evaporating very quickly, and meaning that we feel like we have purpose. Mark, do you have times in your life where you feel like you were engaging in those three things?
Mark Odland:Oh, man. Yeah. That that's a what would we what would we key into for for those memories? Because there's so many to choose from. Yeah.
Mark Odland:Thinking about walking on the beach with my kids, with my family. You know, we're just we're in this beautiful beautiful place right in the midst of God's creation with people I love. And then, you know, our six year old just spontaneously starts skipping or, galloping or something. And it's like, you don't see adults galloping. Right?
Mark Odland:It's like not a thing. It would be kinda like, oh, what are you doing, man? This is is off. But when it's a six year old, it's just like beautiful, like just spontaneous joy springing up. Our kids like trying to time their their okay.
Mark Odland:Take a picture, dad. On the count of three. One, two, three, jump. And then you take the picture and it looks like they're floating in the air.
Zack Carter:It's so good.
Mark Odland:Just those dad moments where you're like, okay. Life is good. You know, life is good. I I find purpose in my work, but, like, to actually be present with my family, in a moment like that, it's just kinda like, okay. This is this is a taste a little taste of heaven.
Mark Odland:This is a taste of something really special. Yeah.
Zack Carter:That's so good, man. Yeah. As as I was thinking about this question, as I was, you know, getting ready this morning and thinking about the podcast, I was I was I was like, yeah, there are like two times in my life. Like now in my life, I'm I'm feeling a lot a lot like, oh, man. I'm feeling very happy.
Zack Carter:But the other time was was college. And as I was like thinking through these three principles of pleasure, engagement, meaning, you know, as far as pleasure, you know, it was just it was a lot of fun. Like, was playing a lot of music. I was getting an opportunity to work with famous bands in, like, filming music videos and stuff. So there's, like, a lot of, like, positive emotions.
Zack Carter:Engagement, you know, feeling like I was in the state of flow. Like, I was constantly in the state of flow. I was either playing music or studying about the entertainment industry or playing games with friends and then like meaning and a sense of purpose. I had one of my favorite jobs ever, was being a resident assistant. And I got to work with just lots of college students and felt like I was having an impact in helping different students on different things in their lives.
Zack Carter:And so when I think about, you know, a couple times in my life now is one with my family, but also, like, back when I was in college. And it was, like, really breaks down really nicely in that pleasure engagement meaning. So That's that's Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry.
Mark Odland:No. That that's really cool, Zach. I mean and it's interesting because you kind of you kind of keyed in on a phase of your life or a couple phases of life. For whatever reason, I went to kind of a moment in time. Mhmm.
Mark Odland:And, that could be a whole another podcast right there between kind of, like, broad thinking and and kind of season life and then moments in time. Yeah. I almost went back to, like, my the summer before my my before I started college. Mhmm. And it was, going out the boat with my friends and, training for starting college football.
Mark Odland:And high on the in the flow state, high on the fun. I don't know if the purpose was quite there yet. It was like, how do I survive two days in college? That that was, like, my my purpose. It wasn't, like, deep meeting, but it was so that didn't quite make the top for me, but it's like I can I I can identify with that kind of being in the flow and kind of feeling alive?
Mark Odland:That's another Yeah. Another thing I'd say is feeling alive in your body. There's I don't know if that's happiness, but there's something there.
Zack Carter:I think so. Yeah. I think so. So in defining happiness, talked about pleasure engagement meaning. But how do we obtain happiness?
Zack Carter:I'm really curious on your thoughts, Mark. Because as I was prepping this
Mark Odland:Yeah.
Zack Carter:I feel like it sounds kinda harsh on the front end, especially because I have clients that suffer from depression. And I'm like, would I say this this bluntly to them? I probably wouldn't, but I think there is some truth to this because we do need to choose happiness. Like that's where Right. That's where we need to start.
Zack Carter:And that can be really harsh if you're in a time of life where not it feels like nothing is going right and it feels like nothing's going your way or you've been suffering from depression for a while. But that choice is is super important. Right? And so in his in his book, Sean Acore, he's like a Harvard professor Okay. Called the he wrote this book called The Happiness Advantage.
Zack Carter:Really great book if you guys are looking for a book to read on happiness. And he said like the formula we have in our head is that if I just work hard, if I work hard I'll become successful. If I become successful successful, happiness. Right? That's the formula.
Zack Carter:Hard, success, happiness. And he says it's actually the reverse. We first need to focus on becoming happier, then we're gonna actually work harder, and then we'll actually be more successful. And so a lot of this, and we've talked about this in another episode, is the growth versus fixed mindset. Right?
Zack Carter:Growth is like, I can change, I can be better. Fixed is like, I am this thing and I'll never change. Right? And so if you're suffering from depression or if things are going poorly in your life, you say, well, this is just life. Yeah.
Zack Carter:That's that's gonna be your life. Whatever you whatever you choose, that's what it's gonna be. But if you say, no, I'm gonna choose growth. I'm gonna choose to be better even if it's just a tiny bit each day. I'm gonna choose happiness over and over and over, then you're gonna be more likely to get it.
Zack Carter:Mark, did you have thoughts on that?
Mark Odland:Yeah. I mean, that is such a it it it hits it hits home because so many of our clients are hardworking guys who are either already very successful or on the cusp of success, and they're not happy. They have pockets of happiness in their life, but big picture, they're like, I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Why am I why do I not have a good marriage? Why am I anxious all the time?
Mark Odland:Why am I not sleeping through the night? Why do I have high blood pressure? Right? These are these are questions that are that are that are significant. Right?
Mark Odland:And
Zack Carter:I think
Mark Odland:a little bit about that. You know, a lot of our audience, not all, but quite a few of our guys listening that their faith is important to them. And I think about that passage where, you know, Paul is saying, I've learned to be content in all circumstances, you know, whether I'm hungry, whether I'm fed, whether I'm in prison, whether I'm free. The sense that if we anchor our happiness to external circumstances, then we're kinda giving giving away our power in a way. And so we have to have some kind of anchor within ourselves that propels us forward.
Mark Odland:Last thing I'd say is I I remember going to a family camp, and a wise old pastor, he must have been, like, in his eighties, and he I don't think he invented the quote, but it was something to the effect of if you search for happiness, pursue happiness in and of itself, you're gonna miss it. But if you pursue meaning, if you pursue purpose, you'll find meaning and happiness will come with it. And I think that dovetails with some of the stuff that we're gonna talk about and that we are talking about, but just thought I'd throw that out there.
Zack Carter:Yeah. No. I I I think that's that's such a good quote. So, yeah, you you wanna pursue meaning and purpose because that is gonna be highly correlated with happiness. And at the same time, so two things could be true at once that you wanna pursue things that are meaningful and towards the end of the episode we're gonna talk about the most meaningful, the most meaningful thing that could contribute to happiness based on the studies.
Zack Carter:And so you can both pursue meaning and purpose and at the same time you can practice aspects to become happier. So you don't have to have one or the other, you can't have both. That's what you said, is that like pursue meaning and purpose and then happiness will come. At the same time you can also practice happiness. And so, you know, if point number one is like, hey, gotta choose happiness.
Zack Carter:Point number two is we gotta practice it. Yeah. And so there was this famous experiment where they took a bunch of a bunch of people, and this is the coolest experiment ever. They had them play Tetris for, like, three days straight. And so if you've never played Tetris, it's the block game, the video game where blocks descend from the sky and they're in different shapes.
Zack Carter:And if you organize them and you get a straight line across the screen, it disappears and then you get points. And then you keep doing that. Hopefully, blocks don't get all the way to the top. Uh-huh. So they were they were playing this Tetris game for, like, three days straight and getting paid for it, which is awesome.
Zack Carter:And Right. What they found was that after this particular experiment, they would leave. And if they lived in a city, they would start doing this thing where they would notice the shapes of the buildings. And they're like, you know, if I just rearrange this building over here and switch it to this building over here, Then suddenly, the buildings would like disappear. And they would go into supermarkets and there'd like be holes in the shelves and they're like, oh, if I rearrange this box here and had this cereal box over here and this ice cream.
Zack Carter:And like suddenly, they just saw Tetris everywhere they went. Right? So if you practice Tetris in your life, you're gonna see Tetris everywhere. If you practice negativity, if you practice negative thoughts, you're gonna see negativity everywhere. If you practice positive thinking, you're gonna be more likely to see positive things happening in your life.
Zack Carter:Right? And so famous so, you know, Sean Acore, as I was reading his book said there was a there was an experiment where people listed three things that were just going well in their day, every day for twenty one days straight. And after twenty one days, they saw the world more positively. Right? They saw negative things that were happening as growth opportunities, right?
Zack Carter:Instead of driving to work and you're like, dang, I hit almost every red light. It's like well, four out of the 10 lights I hit green, which is cool, but when I stopped at the red, I boxed with a little or I prayed or I meditated. And suddenly it's like, oh, this is a time to like take a break and gain some energy so that when I go to work, can work harder. And so just reframing your world to be more positive can can help you to be more positive. Doesn't mean that you ignore the negative.
Zack Carter:As counselors, Mark and I confront the negative. We say when people are like, oh, it's fine. Nothing's no. No. It's not fine.
Zack Carter:Your life sucks right now. Like me and Mark will tell a client, no. No. You deserve to feel sad, you deserve to feel stressed. Let's acknowledge that.
Zack Carter:But at the same time, if that's all you focus on, that's all you're gonna see in your world. Any thoughts on practicing happiness, Mark?
Mark Odland:Yeah. I mean, there's so much there. I mean, I think we could go on and on. And and my mind is is just like there's fireworks as you as you talk, Zach, because, you know, at Lyon, one of the things that we strive to do, and I don't I don't know if everyone's doing this, but is to take the best of psychology, the best of the research, the science, the the psychological wisdom, hold it alongside, ancient truths like biblical wisdom, and and to find where they inter interact, that dynamic tension between the two. Right?
Mark Odland:And I I I think back to one of my favorite sermons growing up as a kid was my pastor talking about that story where Peter walks on water. Mhmm. And he goes out. He steps out boldly, and then he where does he look? He looks at the wind.
Mark Odland:He looks at the waves. Ah. He becomes afraid. He starts to sink. He starts to sink.
Mark Odland:And, he took his eyes off what he should be focusing on. And thank god there's this this grace where this hand reaches down and pulls him out. Right? So even when our faith the message of the sermon was even when our faith fails us, you know, Jesus saves us, which is so so powerful and encouraging. Mhmm.
Mark Odland:But at that practical level, I think we can extrapolate down into our everyday interactions in psychology, the sense of, okay. I'm with my family. Like, what am I focusing on? Am I focusing on how this one kid is screaming over here, or am I focusing on how this one kid is smiling over here? Mhmm.
Mark Odland:Know, am I focusing on how this kid made a mess, or am I thinking to myself, thank God I have a child who's healthy enough to make a mess, and they're not, like, in some hospital right now. Right?
Zack Carter:Mhmm.
Mark Odland:Because life is full of suffering. And if and if we focus on that suffering, we're gonna feel it. Our our mind is gonna dwell on it. It doesn't mean it's not real. It doesn't mean we have to be like pie in the sky, pretend like everything's fine.
Mark Odland:But, man, we do have to shift our focus toward the positive where we're gonna be in the pit and just wallowing there. It's not a good place to be.
Zack Carter:A %. So Yeah. If you're listening along, so far what we've talked about to obtain happiness is first we need to choose it, so we actually have to choose to be happy. Second is we have to practice it. And lastly is we and this is the most important, arguably, is to find people to be happy with.
Zack Carter:So there's a big Harvard study that spanned like eighty years, multiple generations. And what they found was the thing that made people most happy is interpersonal relationships. Right? And so often now in our society we're isolating ourselves, you know? Especially men, you know, we're playing video games, watching pornography, too much TV on social media, watching YouTube.
Zack Carter:And instead of actually engaging with people, we're isolating, right? Instead of working towards a romantic relationship, we're hiding in the basement. Instead of engaging with friendships in person, you know, we're playing video games by ourselves. Right? Right.
Zack Carter:And so if you're looking for the biggest bang for your buck, finding a way to engage in relationships is gonna be the biggest thing you can do. And so this is super complex. You know, I don't wanna downplay how complex this is for some people. Some people don't have friends, like legitimately don't have friends, don't have a good relationship with their family, don't have a romantic partner. And so what do we do?
Zack Carter:We've talked about this in this podcast over and over. You start stupid easy. Which one's the easiest? Oftentimes romantic relationships are probably the most difficult to find, like finding finding a spouse is is very complex. Sometimes family relationships are complex.
Zack Carter:So I feel like the first place to start is friendships. Like, am I engaging in And so sometimes we have people we haven't talked to in a while. Start there. Like if you have friends that you haven't reached out to or connected, that's that's a good place to start. Right?
Zack Carter:Because you need to engage in other relationships because if you're by yourself all the time, it just takes you to a dark place. Any thoughts on that, Mark?
Mark Odland:Yeah. I think starting somewhere is so important. I mean, I I couldn't help but think about this this radio broadcaster. He had this talk show, and his name is Dennis Prager. And Jewish guy, basically a rabbi and political commentator.
Mark Odland:But he wrote a book called happiness is a serious problem. Mhmm. And it was so funny hearing him because he's he he just totally smashed how how much we're into authenticity today, in today's culture. And he's like, we're not authentic. We comb our hair.
Mark Odland:We wash our face. We wear deodorant. We don't impose our our our our body odor on other people in public places because we know that would impact their happiness. And so his his whole deal, which sounds a little harsh, but it was he said becoming happy is a moral obligation, not only for ourselves, but for those around us. And to be in a bad mood perpetually is actually inflicting pain on other people.
Mark Odland:And if we get hung up on, well, I just have to be real at all times. It's like, no, you don't. Like, you don't wanna be fake at all times. You wanna be authentic. But there but there's again, it's a paradoxical thing.
Mark Odland:Right? And so and that in some ways, that's kind of that chicken and egg thing between kind of more of a Jewish philosophy and a Christian philosophy. As Christians, we're kinda like, oh, I believe, and then the actions follow. I think there's a lot of truth in that. That that's that's where I am.
Mark Odland:But then our Jewish brothers and sisters are like, yeah. You guys in your faith thing. Like, just open the door for the the old lady whether you feel like it or not. And then eventually, you become a good person. Right?
Mark Odland:Do the action. Mhmm. So that's the other And
Zack Carter:I I love that quote quote. I'm I'm I'm glad you I'm glad you brought that up because, you know, I think there I think there probably is some truth to that, that it's we do have a duty to serve those around us. And in so doing, you will be happier. Right? And so sometimes you fake it till you make it.
Zack Carter:Literally, if you smile, endorphins are released in the brain. Look. See how Mark like smiled and maybe that's just because I'm being awkward and just smiling at a strange time. Literally, you saw what just happened is that my smile was contagious and suddenly Mark smiled. Because literally we're designed to do that.
Zack Carter:Like socially, what we do impacts the other people. So I smiled weirdly, and then Mark started to smile, and then he kinda laughed because I'm like, oh, this is kinda kinda weird.
Mark Odland:No, Zach. I think as long as you don't, like, turn around the wrong way in an elevator and then have a huge smile stare at the person
Zack Carter:behind you. Yeah. It's just there. That
Mark Odland:would be
Zack Carter:weird. That would be
Mark Odland:a little weird. But yours was so Right. You know? But but, yeah, I know we're wrapping up here on time, but, if you guys have hung on till the end, and I I wanna save time for any closing thoughts you have, Zach. But Mhmm.
Mark Odland:If you're still still here, please hit that like and subscribe. It helps us get the word out to more guys and and keeps you informed of future videos. And, if you are someone who's looking for some extra support, that's what Zach and I are here for. That's what Lion Counseling's here for. Check out escapethecagenow.com or the link in the description box.
Mark Odland:Any closing thoughts, Zach, before we wrap?
Zack Carter:Up? Yeah. Last thoughts. So where do we start today? Like, because you can literally start today.
Zack Carter:And it it was funny because if if you're looking to start easy, you can do what I just said a second ago. You can literally just, like, smile Yeah. For thirty seconds. Right? That'll that'll change the chemicals in your brain.
Zack Carter:Like, it'll begin to rewire the brain. You'll begin to be happier. Yeah. Super easy. You can go for a walk.
Zack Carter:Go outside and get some vitamin d. Get moving. It's gonna boost your mood, right? Use your talents. So if you like to draw, play music, write short stories, go do that.
Zack Carter:You can commit conscious acts of kindness. You can go serve someone. You can go serve at your church. You can go serve in your community. You can go donate money.
Zack Carter:Lastly, what's been shown, this I found really interesting in studying this topic, is that if we spend money on experiences, not stuff. So stuff we buy, we feel good for like that long. Sure. But experiences, the happiness lasts much longer. So if you've always wanted to take that trip to Iceland, okay, buy the plane ticket.
Zack Carter:Like get yourself moving, like go do it, right? If you like to go bowling with friends, okay. Send a text to your buddies right now and say like, hey, do you wanna connect tonight and go bowling? Rent a slingshot on Turo. If you don't know what that is, go look it up.
Zack Carter:I'm doing it for my birthday in a couple weeks. I was like, that was like fun. My wife doesn't think that she's like, they're kinda dumb. And I'm like, I don't care. I'm gonna rent it.
Zack Carter:And I'm ride around to this for a day. So like, go do something that you can look forward to. Right? So those are those are a few ideas. So pick one of the things I listed and like, go do that right now and pay attention to how you felt before and how you felt after.
Mark Odland:Cool. I love it.
Zack Carter:Anything you had, Mark, or are you are you good to go?
Mark Odland:No. I I think, you know, you add up those memories, you add up those experiences with people, you tap into the the god given gifts you've been created with and wanna cultivate and make you feel alive. And then, hopefully, we get closer and closer to that hope that we all have, and we talk about legacy at Lion Counseling, where when we think about being on our deathbed someday, usually what we imagine is who's around us. You know? Who's gonna hold our hand?
Mark Odland:Who's who's who's that circle around us? Who who's there who's there with us? And and that that's something that, part of it's just grace, and and some of it's some of it's hard work to cultivate relationships and cultivate a life that that that we feel proud of despite our imperfections and and that we give love and we receive love in return. And and hopefully, we can say imperfect as we are, that was a life well lived.
Zack Carter:Yeah. Right. Love it. Well, thanks everyone for listening today. Thanks for sticking around.
Zack Carter:And, yeah, we'll we'll we'll be putting out some more stuff soon, and just keep following us. Subscribe if you haven't already, like, and if you could comment below, we'd really appreciate it. We wanna hear from you guys and we'll we're doing pretty good about answering people's questions and thoughts. So if you have stuff you want us to cover or you have any questions on anything that we've talked about today, please let us know in comments below.
Mark Odland:Definitely. Alright. Thanks, Seth. See you, everybody. Everybody.
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